Atlantis Found Off Brazil? Erm...

It’s happened! Scientists have found the lost continent of Atlantis…again! (They also found it in February off Cuba, last year in the North Sea and generally about once a year, some where).

But this time it’s the real one. I swear.

Here’s how it happened: 900 miles off the coast of Brazil some Japanese researchers dredged up some rocks that are the kind typically associated with continents. Continental rocks under the ocean water can only mean one thing: Atlantis!

They even have a picture of one of the rocks, which, using my geological expertise, I have positively identified as a petrified peach jelly roll. Does Nature make peach jelly rolls? And tell me, what city is known for peaches? That’s right, Atlanta! Are you getting the picture? This is no coincidence.

Now, of course, there are some evil-minded naysayers out there, including the scientists who found the rocks, but we can safely ignore these Atlantis denialists. I mean, these rocks can’t possibly mean that a chunk of South America got marooned by the rifting that created the Atlantic Ocean millions of years ago. What an absurd idea. Plate tectonics?! Really? How boring!

Atlantis Found Off Brazil? Erm...

It’s virtually certain that these bits of rock will lead to the rapid discovery of a vast lost civilization still inhabited by aqua-humans at the bottom of the ocean. What’s more, these Aqua-Atlantians will have the solutions to all our problems, since they are almost certainly advanced extraterrestrials.

I mean, how else can you explain the fact that they created such an impressive civilization (again, which we will discover any day now) so many millennia ago. Could regular stone age humans do it? Nah! Ancient humans were just so, you know, stupid! Not like Atlantians or us modern humans at all.

So stay tuned and fear not: Just as soon as you have forgotten about this amazing discovery, Atlantis will be discovered again, and again, and again. Isn’t it wonderful?(May 8, 2013 03:48 PM ET // by Larry O'Hanlon)